


won’t resume being a square until the partying is done

by constanted



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Gen, Gossip, Sheltered Kids, Shopping, Team Bonding, episode 97 spoilers, team cleric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-03
Updated: 2020-03-03
Packaged: 2021-02-23 01:57:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,990
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23003932
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/constanted/pseuds/constanted
Summary: “Should we—“ he darts his head around, “Should we disguise ourselves?”“I think we balance each other out!”And he chuckles, at that, “Yeah, I guess we do.”“We can pretend we’re different people, though?”He hums, “Who should we pretend to be?”“IIIIII don’t know. Maybe we are just ourselves. Because people won’t believe us anyway.”(or: team cleric's day off.)
Relationships: Beauregard Lionett/Jester Lavorre (background), Caduceus Clay & Jester Lavorre, Caduceus Clay/Fjord (Background)
Comments: 40
Kudos: 289





	won’t resume being a square until the partying is done

**Author's Note:**

> i just love these kids

So, here’s the thing: Caduceus has only ever gone to buy clothes _once_ . And it was pretty recently, even though it feels like a long time ago. It was in Rosohna, just before they lost Yasha, he thinks. Around the same time as they got the house. And he _really, really_ enjoyed it. He hadn’t really put much thought into it before, but he enjoys looking nice, enjoys dressing up. Most of his clothes before this were just Calliope and Colton’s hand-me-down vestments—he’s always been smaller than them—and things he’d sewn himself when he was bored and feeling selfish enough to take clothes and fabrics out of crates.

And his sleeve. He’d made the sleeve during the summer where the silkworms had gone _wrong_. He’s very proud of the sleeve.

The point being: he is _very_ excited to go to the tailor with Jester. Both because he likes fancy clothes and because he likes Jester. And, he’s shopping for the others, so that’s _even more_ exciting. It’s a wonderful, beautiful distraction, which is probably among his top five types of distractions.

Jester loops her arm in his as they exit the Chateau, and when they reach the door, she says, “Oh, Caduceus, don’t you need your hat?”

“I—I don’t have it with me.”

“You had it yesterday, though, didn’t you?”

“Yeah, um. I—I won’t sunburn, or anything, it’s… I mean, it’s comfortable, but it’s not necessary. It’s fine.” And he pulls her out of the door with him. When it shuts, she says, “Where did your hat go?” and he says, “Gave it to Bell,” and she says, “That’s the younger one, right? With the rainbow hair?” and he nods, and Jester smiles, and says, “That’s really sweet! She was _super_ cute, and she was really nice. She’s my favorite of your siblings, I think.”

And he smiles, at that, uses his one free hand to attempt and tie his hair back, because it’s _brutally_ hot here, and he is kind of used to having shade in these situations. Some of it falls in his face, and other parts fall out of the knot, but it serves its purpose well enough.

“She’s my favorite, too.”

Jester grins in that very Jester-y way of grinning, “I could tell. And I think you’re _her_ favorite.”

And that’s sweet, isn’t it, he thinks, so he hums as they stroll, feeling that familiar ocean breeze that Caduceus doesn’t remember beginning to love. “You remind me of her, sometimes. Not because—you’re just—you have the same kind of wisdom as her, I think. It’s a very warm kind; it’s kind of… it feels like a hug. I guess. I mean—she’s not as mature as you, and she doesn’t really know as much about the world as you, but. It’s good. You’re both just _good_.”

And he worries about both of them _terribly_. But that’s besides the point.

Tapestries from market stands catch his eyes, distract him a bit, but he listens when Jester says, “Can I tell you a secret, Caduceus?”

“Always,” he says, diverting his eyes from a woman trying to convince an Zemnian-sounding diplomat to spend seven hundred gold on a necklace made of false gems. He looks at Jester—the diplomat, he assumes, maybe deserves to be ripped-off.

“I’ve never been to a fancy party before. I think Beau and Caleb both have, and _mayyyyybe_ Fjord and Veth—well. Veth had a fancy _wedding_ , so, yeah—“

“Are weddings parties?” because he’s never been to one. He remembers, before… everything, that Colton was considering venturing out to find a suitable woman to court. And he and Calliope both would come back from pilgrimages with tales of _interesting_ women in the Wildlands and the Empire. But neither of them found someone worth sticking with. Or someone who thought they were worth sticking with. And, well—it hadn’t quite occurred to Caduceus, that he would go out and search for such things. Perhaps, he imagined sometimes, during his time alone, a strange and handsome man would stumble into the Grove, injured and in need of healing, and then love would come into the picture as they spent time together.

But that’s not how love stories work, he’s pretty sure. He’s figuring that sort of thing out, lately.

But Jester is answering his question about weddings: “In my books, they are!”

“ _Cool,”_ because it sounds cool, a big party about love and togetherness.

Of course, Caduceus has no experience with parties, so. Maybe it isn’t cool. But it seems cool. Jester interrupts his train of thought, thank gods, “I know that my mama gets dresses from this really fancy shop just down here—so I know that Yasha and, N-Veth, and me will want them, and I don’t know about you or Beau? I don’t think Beau would want one. She likes suits.”

“Yeah, she’d look very heroic in a fancy suit,” Caduceus thinks.

“And _super_ handsome.”

Caduceus gives Jester a quick look—he has his suspicions, but he won’t comment. Even if it’s kind of obvious. He won’t comment! Yet. He changes the subject before Jester diverts it and makes him more _curious_. “I’m, uh—I’m leaning toward a suit for me, but I’m not opposed to trying dresses? And Fjord’ll want a suit, definitely. Probably robes for Caleb? Wizards wear robes. And—I remember that Fjord’s favorite color is blue. And Yasha likes silver and black.”

“Veth likes yellow, and Caleb doesn’t have a favorite color because he’s _super_ fucking weird but I think he’d like orange, and you and Beau weren’t under the Zone of Truth, but Beau said _green_.”

“I think keep it cobalt, for her. Just for—I have an idea for helping her spy during the party, and I think keeping up the theme would be very nice, aesthetically. Just a cool spy look.”

“Hell _yeah_ , Caduceus!”

“Should we—“ he darts his head around, “Should we disguise ourselves?”

“I think we balance each other out!”

And he chuckles, at that, “Yeah, I guess we do.”

“We can pretend we’re different people, though?”

He hums, “Who should we pretend to be?”

“IIIIII don’t know. Maybe we are just ourselves. Because people won’t believe us anyway.”

“It looked like Essek even had trouble believing us, earlier, and he _knows_.”

“Or _does_ he? It could be his evil twin brother. Messek.”

“Messek.”

“Because he’s a _mess_ . Because he’s _evil.”_

“Makes sense.”

“Yeah. Because sibling names have themes, a lot? Like all of you and your siblings’ names start with a _kuh_ sound, and Beau’s name rhymes with Thoreau, and TJ’s name is Thoreau Junior.”

“Huh. I don’t—“ he thinks back on families buried in the Grove. “They’re not always themed but sometimes they are, yeah.” He nods. “Yeah, that’s really nice. It makes somethin’ cohesive.”

There are glass chimes outside of the fancy seamster, which is called the Ocean’s Eye, which sounds quite a bit like a tavern name, rather than a fancy seamster name. A half-elf squints at the sight of them, but when jester says, “We are here to buy the _fanciest_ clothing. We have a _lot_ of money.”

“Well, I ought to—who are you?”

“We’re super fucking important heroes—“

The half-elf opens their mouth to speak, and Caduceus interrupts, gently, “Sorry for not being clear, um. We’re part of a group of peacemakers, here preparing the upcoming talks between the Dynasty and the Empire. My friend and I have twenty-five platinum, and we’re shopping for seven people, ourselves included, aiming to have clothes ready for an event tomorrow night. We have all of their measurements, but any _Guidance_ would be… much appreciated. I really have no idea what I’m looking for.”

And he smiles. And the half-elf smiles back, persuaded easily, by Her grace. “What might you be looking for?”

“Well I know that _I_ want something pink. if that’s okay. Like his hair? And very fancy. I think it should be chiffon?”

Caduceus doesn’t know what chiffon is, but the sound of it is _very_ Jester-y. “It should show off your tattoos,” he says, thinking about how he kind of wants to get a tattoo. But also because he knows that Beau is very interested in Jester’s shoulders, and if he’s going to meddle in this romance, he’s going to _meddle._ He’s very big on meddling.

“Ooh, yeah--”

“I do have--pink chiffon, let me--feel free to browse.”

And the half-elf scurries off. Caduceus spots a pair of breeches, and Jester says, “Those would look _very_ good on someone’s butt,” matter-of-factly. Caduceus agrees, and, because he is occasionally quite stupid, immediately says, “So theyre for Fjord, then.” And then he blushes. Which is a giveaway.

In that deep, teasing voice of hers, “Oh my _gosh_ , Caduceus, do you wanna look at Fjord’s _butt_ ? Do you have a _crush_ on him?”

Caduceus knows he can’t lie to Jester. So he looks at the ground. “Don’t be mad?”

Jester removes her arm from his, and instead pats him on the shoulder, quite a reach, “Oh, no, no!” and she grins. “I think it’s _super_ cute. And I don’t like him like that anymore, so I’m not mad! He’s _very_ handsome and he likes you _very_ much, so it makes sense that you have a crush on him! And it could _really_ romantic, if he were like, oh, Caduceus, I need _healing_ and then you cast Cure Wounds with a _kiss--_ ”

“Or the other way around,” Caduceus manages, very quietly, “I’ve thought about it, yeah--how about--you--and Beau. Hm?”  
  
“Yeah, because Beau’s _super_ hot and smart and cool, but I talk about people being hot all the time. You _never_ talk about people being hot!”

“I talk _plenty_ about people being hot--”

The half-elf emerges again, and Caduceus breathes a sigh of relief. They carry a long pink gown over one shoulder, a bundle of pink fabric that looks ruffly and decorative--chiffon? Maybe?--over the other. “I think this would go over the skirt?”

“Oh my gosh, _yes._ What’s your name, again? This is Caduceus and I’m Jester, by the way.”

“Oh. I am Grey. Um. Miss Jester, what are your measurements?”

Jester hands Grey a little piece of paper, and writes something down on it. “And can we have the bodice be kind of tight?”

“Oh, of course. Um. Wow, you--Mr. Caduceus, your measurements are quite odd.”

“I’m built like a beanpole, yeah. Do you have anything in light green that might fit?”

“I do not have any--any skirts I could get set the right length, for the same setting that Ms. Jester’s implies, But there’s--I think I have a coat that a goliath customer commissioned and then cancelled on, I can certainly shorten that--”

And they dash off to a desk, under which there are compartments. And there is, in fact, a large, pale green frock coat, tiny flowers embroidered up it tails. “Oh, wow,” Caduceus says, “It’s--it’s perfect. Wow. Um. And then, just--a standard vest, and some nice pants and boots. That’s--that’ll be great. Yeah.” And Jester writes something else down on the paper--probably that information. He also sees the telltale motion of a dick drawing. Good.

Jester describes an idea for Beau’s suit in great detail--heartily emphasizing what parts should be fitted--boots, sleeves, the torso region. Caduceus gives her a look, and she says, “So we found pants for _Fjord_ \--”

And Caduceus describes a look. Jester chimes in. they buy a comically large hat, as well. For the sake of it. They find a lovely embroidered long coat for Caleb, that looks rather wizard-y, and a _perfect_ dress for Yasha, where Caduceus requests a strap for convenient sword storage, as well as some small silver lightning details. And Jester finds a dress for Veth, bright yellow and joyful-looking.

“Extra buttons,” Caduceus says.

“As many buttons as you can get without it being un-fancy.”

“Alright?” Grey says. “An odd--okay. Sure.”

And they take the payment, which apparently is still a _lot_ of extra money, but they probably deserve it. Because they’re nice and they were actually really lovely.

As they exit, Caduceus dares to ask, “How many penises did you fit on that measurement sheet?”

“Twenty-seven,” she nods. “A respectable number, I think.”

“You’ve done better.”

“Yes, but a lot of these had shading and stuff.”

“Oh, okay, fair. Yeah. Do you wanna go to the bakery that you always mention?”

“ _Please_ !” she says, and they do go, still catching eyes on the street, which is… fine. Annoying, but fine. They make awkward eye contact with the Martinet, which is horrifying, a little bit. Jester waves, and Caduceus gives a _Thaumaturgy_ -shadow-eyed smile. For all the Martinet knows, that could probably just be a firbolg thing. He flinches nevertheless, and Caduceus is satisfied.

The bakery smells wonderful, if a bit over-sugared. Caduceus orders himself some kind of bread he’s never heard of--served with assorted jams--as well as a cold tea drink. It's all quite delicious. Jester, meanwhile, orders herself two beautifully decorated doughnuts, as well as a glass of berry juice. They sit outside, face each other as they eat.

“Caduceus?” Jester asks, after a good few minutes of joking around. Her tone is suddenly a little bit gentler. “Do you think Essek is actually evil?”

Caduceus hasn’t thought about that, so he says, “No. I don’t think… I think that he’s misguided. We know that those people he’s working with are manipulative, that they’re liars. I don’t know all of what they did to Caleb, but it clearly left him… bad? Feeling guilty for his own actions. Which I think is kind of an odd reaction to have to being mistreated by others. But it’s a reaction that happens--look at, um. Look at Beau, or Yasha, or--Fjord, or. Actually. Any of our friends. But. Anyway. I think that our friend is being led down a path that will make him hate himself. Maybe he already does.”

“I’m just… I’m _really_ worried.”

“I am, too.”

He steals a sip of her juice. It’s very good, just a tiny bit of tartness to it.

“Do you want to talk about something else? It’s been a hard week for… all of us. A big week. And this is making it all the heavier. So. What’s something light we can talk about?” So there are rules, no family talk or god talk or hag talk. And Jester smiles at him, tilts her head to think, and sets Sprinkle on the table. “Hello, Sprinkle,” Caduceus says, and Sprinkle makes a fairly dignified noise of acknowledgement.

“We can talk about… your crush on Fjord?”

“Or your crush on _Beau_.” 

“Is this your _first crush_?”

“Do you _draw her_?”

“I draw _everybody_ \--”

“Yeah, but.” And he attempts an eyebrow-waggly thing he’s seen Veth do.

“Shut _up_ , Caduceus. You made your crush a fancy holy symbol out of _fancy crystals._ ”

“Yeahhhh,” Caduceus says, “And today you explained the shape of Beau’s arms for a very long time. I’ve never heard you use the word _rippling_ that much before. You say that word a lot.”

“It’s a good word.”

“I guess” And he pauses, decides that sincerity is good. “ I think Beau will think your dress is very nice.” 

“And Fjord will like your coat! And they’ll both like the outfits we got them, too. Because they will both look so dashing and heroic, and so will we. And Caleb and Yasha and Veth will all look dashing, too, and we will be super cool heroes, and Essek will be like, _oh no, I cannot I betrayed my super hot and powerful and nice friends_!”

“It’s like he’s here with us.”

“I’m _very_ good at impressions. I am the second best in the group, I think. Tied with you. Fjord is the best.”

“Eh, I'd put Caleb up top. I can do a good Fjord, and I’m working on Yasha.” And he tries that, “ _That was a joke_.”

“Okay, yeah!” And Jester claps. “You and Beau have similar-ish accents, so I think that’s an automatic impression, really. You’re both kind of strong and grumbly, y’know? But Beau is technically stronger than you, like. Physically. No offense.”

“I’m pretty good at lifting things.”

“Yeah, but Beau’s, like--got a lot of bases covered.”

“Fair.”

“But you are good at lifting things!” Jester says, and finishes her second doughnut. “For example: will you carry me back home? On your back. I saw your sister trying to do that in Uthodurn earlier and it was _very_ cute--”

“She hasn’t been able to do that in _so_ long--like. Less time for her, but, like--still, I could barely do it when she was _little_.”

Jester giggles. “I think that if I had a little sister, I would carry her very well. I am super strong.”

“You wanna bet that?”

And Jester grins, says, “Oh my _gosh_ , I can carry _you_ \--"

“Yeah! And we can swap out, so it’s--when one of us gets tired--”

“That’ll be super fun, oh my gosh.”

“Also. You probably do have little siblings. Considering--your dad, he. Um. In Beau’s words.” And, trying to mirror Beau’s body language, “ _Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucks_.”

“Ew.”

“I’m just sayin’.”

“Get on my back. I can’t believe you would talk about sex like that, Caduceus!” faux-offended.

He gets on her back. She lifts him without trouble. He _is_ a beanpole. (No one commented, which is maybe good. Maybe sad. He’s not made up his mind on that yet.)

And the Nicodranian sun sets, and the people on the streets stare, and it’s really all quite beautiful. And he thinks, maybe this is a part of who he is. Someone who looks at sunsets, and who makes silly jokes, and who buys fancy clothes for the sake of fancy clothes.

He likes that. He likes that a lot.

**Author's Note:**

> comment! kudo! etc! i'm on tumblr @yahooanswer!


End file.
